::: I’m Still Princess Dominique | Tilted Tiara and All | Version 2009 :::

I wrote this back in 2005:

I’ve always wanted to be a daddy’s girl, you know the untouchable kind dressed in ruffles whose daddy dotes on them, gives them whatever their heart even has an inkling to ask for, parades them around, showing them off and making them feel like royalty? In my case, it just never quite worked out that way. I watch and overhear women talk about how important their father has been in their lives and although I don’t find myself envying that, there is still a nagging void that I can’t help but notice because I didn’t have that. There is a desire deep within me (if I’m willing to be honest) to have had someone protecting me from the wolves out there who would one day come to prey on his daughter’s innocence.

I’ve always watched movies and television shows and smiled at the way the fathers gave the poor helpless soul who was smitten with his daughter the third degree when he came to the house to pick her up for a date or the prom. I never went to my prom but it makes me wonder to myself how many of the men I dated would have treated me differently if they thought that there was someone big and burly behind the door or sitting on the sofa that they’d have to answer to if they did something wrong—or hurt me. Unfortunately I was never given the opportunity to experience that, and while my father himself may have been a wolf, they say that you seek a man who is just like your father and to my credit, yes, I have had many.

So, having never known my father or seen him, what I was seeking must have been innate because the bad boys that meant me no good from the word “hello” is all that I craved as a teen and through my young adult life; the more dangerous the relationship or situation, the more volatile or challenging, the more I pursued it and drew myself towards its flame. Sadly, such is life, I’ve had to learn many lessons like this the hard way. With age comes wisdom though, or at least it should. So, that’s where I am right now, older and wise enough to know that you can’t really miss a daddy you never had, but you can definitely make certain that history doesn’t repeat itself.

In 2005 when I started my second and more permanent blog this was the first post:

There is nothing on earth that compares to being free. I mean, free from bondage, blatant prejudices, labels and the prying eyes of society as they attempt to examine you, pick you apart, stick their hand down inside and rummage around trying to find out what makes you tick.  Someone always wants to know what makes you who you are. Sometimes its driven by simple curiosity, other times its jealousy and envy or just a desire to want to emulate you and sift through the ingredients that make up you to measure your authenticity. At any rate, there are many women I admire that appear to have it all together on the outside. Wanting to have it all together too, I went out in search of self; in search of me, since I was told that it was the best place to start if I wanted to have it all together.

On this journey I was forced to delve into the dark recesses of my being and uncover incidents and secrets that I’ve never told anyone. In examining myself I realized that my Moma was right and had been all along; it’s what’s on the inside that matters more than outer appearances. When the curtains of your life are peeled back, its how deeply you are rooted and grounded in what you believe and how you keep it all together that matters. I’ve always imagined that its got to be a very satisfying feeling for people to be able to make choices rather than just dealing with whatever life throws their way or having the choices make them. That’s definitely part of having it all together.

I’ve learned from the mistakes of others though, and I’ve also learned to become that girl—someone who consciously, not passively, makes choices. I’ve really never been concerned with being popular or well-liked because having my craft be a true expression of me and not just something that was manipulated by agents, editors or managers and manufactured for sales and quota purposes has always been of the utmost importance to me—and its an honor to be in a position where you don’t have to go along for the ride just to say you have a ride. That’s where I am right now, independently being me behind the wheel of my own vehicle.

My point though, is that peace is underrated, so is joy, and bliss—there was honestly a time when I didn’t know if I had what it took to maintain them all. At times like those when I was unsure, I had to steal away and heal me, repair me and make sure that in my helping others that at the end of the day I still had something left—to give me. My goal in life now is to be surrounded with peace, joy and bliss. I’m determined that no matter what I achieve, I’m not letting them get away for anything in the world. Sure I love the Dior shoes, the Gucci shades, the Tiffany & Company diamonds as well as the gifts and trinkets that others bless me with, but I swear that if those flashy designer things didn’t come into my life to reside with the peace, joy and bliss that already exists there—they would never, ever have a home in me.

One dreamed of becoming somebody.

Another remained awake and became.